The date is January 13, 2018. It has been 13 days since I made a personal vow to myself to become a more productive person as well as a more motivated person. With that vow has came many interesting things to say the least. So far, I have decluttered my room, symbolically let go of the past by letting go of possessions that no longer hold value, and rearranged my room. I also have started my Junior year of college at the University of Louisville. I’m attending four classes and a lab Tuesday- Thursday. With less than two days in, I’d say that’s quite a start. Something still doesn’t quite fit, though. The thing that all of these lifestyle changes have in common are that they are all just physical changes.
Though I can speak on the many wonders and benefits of physical change, that type of change wasn’t what I set out to make when I made that vow to myself. I want to see a change within myself. I want to observe my mind, body, and spirit change as this year progresses. But, I believe that as I have previously expressed on this blog, change is something that is hard for me to grasp. As the days go on, I have come to notice that though I am coming closer daily to the person I want to be, I’m not even close to unlocking my potential. This may be due to the fact that I haven’t been able to grasp that change can also be a fancy word for growth. Personal growth is something I have always wanted to welcome in but always seem to close the door on. How does one make the jump though from past self to potential self?
As it happens, unfortunately, I don’t have an answer for that question that seems to hinder me. Maybe that’s because there is no set answer. Experiences that are fundamental to the molding of one’s life simply can’t be planned. How are we to know that something great is to happen to us? How are we to know when to expect it? We’re not and that’s the beauty of it all. Our experiences are unique to us because no one else can have that same experience. It is in these experiences that diversity lives and we can come together in what appears to set us apart.
On this day January 13th, 2018, I make a new vow. I will let life come to me and make the best of it. I will open myself up to experiences that I might be on the fence about otherwise and I will allow myself to grow from it. Change can be an intimidating force but it could also be the driving force that you’ve needed all along.
“Do what makes you happy”. This is by far one of the most overused and cliche lines out there. I’ve never necessarily cared for this statement because in my mind, this gave people the autonomy to go out and do whatever the heck they wanted to because that’s what made them happy. When I first started to analyze this saying, I was at a point in where I thought I knew everything and in my mind, overthinking and over analyzing equalled an expression of knowledge on any subject. I was a true intellect (according to me).
The funny thing about getting in touch with your intellectual side is that you have to let go of some of it to gain perspective. The wisest people know that they don’t know much. I threw my inhibitions off, I dove into mind, and as I slowly am beginning to swim to the surface, that little phrase has never been so daunting. As a self proclaimed passionate being, I became faced with the harsh reality that I’m not truly passionate about anything in life. Though that sounds a tad depressing, I am so grateful to meet this sad truth head on because I can undergo a new self discovery.
What can I wake up and do every day without resentment? I love to write and I love music, so I’ve recently revisited my acoustic guitar that’s been catching dust and I’m brushing up on my writing abilities in the form of songwriting. So far I’m really enjoying the time to revisit my former joys and I’m on the way to happy.
The next time someone asks you what makes you happy, really assess that small thought because I believe happiness is the true success in life. Though success can temporarily be measured in material things, material things can’t always make you smile and give you the drive to move forward like happiness and passion can.
As an observant person, I tend to be more drawn to things that make not only my eyes, but my heart beam. That is to say that things which are aesthetically pleasing are fine and dandy, but what draws me in are the things that aren’t on the surface level. For example, though I like new things, I’m typically not as excited about those things as I am when I stumble upon something with age and character. A few months ago, I found a vintage vanity online. When I went to go pick it up, I was more than eager to learn of what the vanity had been through. Come to find out, it was from the 1920s and had been passed down through two generations of people. I got this warm feeling inside almost like I was being let in on a secret that had been stowed away. I get that same fuzzy feeling when I meet a new person. As a Gemini, it’s a character trait to have a natural gift of communicating with others. Though I can generally get along with any kind of person, I just can’t contain my excitement when I meet someone who’s vibes are on the same wavelength as mine. Normally, I meet these people while I’m out and about or I’ll get introduced through a friend. I mean typically like minded people are like birds and tend to flock to each other. Another character trait that people share with birds is that they fly away at the change of the season. Well the winds of change are upon us folks and we’re unexplored parks that these various birds need to rest at. The time to interact and get to know these birds is now. There are so many different kinds so you’re bound to find one that likes what your park has to offer so welcome them. Put aside your preconceived notions and branch out with the hope of letting positive energy in. That’s not to say let any ole bird into your park but let the kindhearted ones leave an imprint on your terrain. Life has too many uncertainties to always carry the weight of an unnecessary burden such as indecision. Show your colors to the world and the world will in turn respond. The combining of colors will make the most beautiful of collages. What will you have to lose by just being yourself? I don’t know just food for thought.
Growing up, I would hear various ideas expressed with one central theme. The central theme was that life was like a jungle. When you’re a young child, the only images that you get of the jungle are the rose colored glasses view with animals in a zoo, safari rides through animal kingdom, and the Jungle Book. As one gets older though, you start to realize how many similarities the world holds to a jungle. The word “jungle” seems to create less of an idea of this sort of elusive place with rocky terrain and various species. The world is just that and the people that are in this world are kind of like vines. You grasp on to these people in order to get to each new stage in your life. It can be easier at times to walk through life alone but vines are a much more fun way of transportation. If there are rough terrains ahead that are sure to cut your feet, it’d be in one’s best interest to cling onto these vines and travel better to the next stop. Vines also hang from trees which mean that they are a part of something bigger than just themselves. Roots that are deeply engrained into the ground can symbolize many things, but morals and values are the big ones for me. Though these vines may seem flimsy at times, we must take time to understand that all vines are a part of this thing that is more than just meets the eye. Though the vine is what we see on the surface, it is ever so important to get to know the tree that they come from so that we can have a better understanding of why that vine is the way that it is. Why it may not be as strong as the other vines or why it doesn’t swing quite as freely as another. A jungle holds so many different species of organisms so the next time we decide to take a stroll (or swing) through it, we must not forget to stop and appreciate all of its various attributes that make it this collective beautiful place.
Sorrow, understanding, and tranquility. These are words and feelings that have been manifested into my reality these last three days. One might ask how someone can find sorrow and tranquility in such a short time span. Well, as they say, “A lot can change in 24 hours.” Apparently, a lot can change in 3 hours. I found this out three days ago when I was faced with a situation that at the time was the dark overcast above my head. It’s funny how people can want to be in the eye of a storm. Eminent danger is around but you are in the midst of peace. Sorrow is my hurricane and tranquility is my bunker in which I can be tucked away and feel safe. Allowing yourself to feel peace over a situation that you have no control over is where tranquility lies. Now, if only I can practice what I preach. As I scramble to gather my belongings and race to my bunker, fear grips me and the uncertainty of how long it will take me to fight through the sorrow keeps me at a slow, somber limp versus a hasty dive to tranquility. Having security and knowing all of the answers would make things easier, but the journey is more helpful because you gain life experience that you didn’t have before. While my limp gradually turns into a fast walk, I see my final destination of peace but still can appreciate my struggle to navigate the terrain of Sorrow’s land.
As I sit in my humble abode, I ponder what I should write first. I’ve been asked many times before in this life of mine if I have some sort of attention deficit disorder because I can be a bit of a scatter brain. The answer to that life long question (to my knowledge at least) would be no. Though, when you are a creator, it can sometimes be hard to focus all of your energy into one thing. I mean there is a whole world out there that’s tangible but all of our thoughts are floating in these galaxies that we call minds.
My mind has a bit of anxiety, a glimmer of hope, and a dash of paisley. Paisley, a more than beautiful print, symbolizes more than fashion for me. It is my comfortable haven after a long day at work, it is my best friend after life doesn’t treat me right, it is my 70s disco where my canary yellow lava lamp’s reflection can beam while my self proclaimed dance party is occurring.
In this Paisley Paradise I call my room, I have my most intimate thoughts where I question my existence and my place in this world. A teenage girl in an upcoming town can feel insignificant at times. After my history with not being in my senior yearbook, questions full of anxiety begin to terrorize my Mind’s galaxy with weapons so potent they can turn my best days into my worst days. Missiles of existential crisis and bombs of hopelessness seem to frequently be dropped upon my Zen garden. Luckily for my forest, I have a green thumb and can nurse my thoughts back to health with a dab of futuristic thinking and mellow tunes. Currently, my Hales Corner album is playing and life is serene.
I’m not entirely sure if my writings will reach anyone but it is a special thing for me. I can take on various occupations and live life through the eyes of different workers. I get to be a seamstress one day and weave my complex quilt of stories and then I get to be a blacksmith the next and forage my hard metal thoughts into a shimmering silver sword that I can cut the negative thoughts with. The world is my oyster and my Paisley Paradise is just a skyscraper that overlooks it.
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